I am married to a man who I love to pieces. I am very lucky, in many ways, because he loves me just as much as I love him., and although him and I are on different paths spiritually, he does not stand in the way of my relationship with my God.
Pat and I have many issues, though, in our marriage. Not the least of which is the fact that he suffers from bi-polar disorder. I know that all couples have issues, great and small, but I also know that his mental illness creates a lot of extra stress and tension in our home. Often times, our moods, communication with one another, whether we go out or not, etc., is determined by what kind of cycle he is on that day. Most days, Pat and I have a lot of fun. We laugh a lot, play cards, talk... just normal stuff. Other days, though, things can be so ugly. Pat can be so mean and hurtful in his attitude and tone, even when nothing has been done to give him that response. Nonetheless, I have made a consious effort in the past few months to not retaliate when he is in an ugly mood. I have improved greatly, with the aid of Jesus' work in my life, in not yelling at or belittling him, even when that's what I FEEL like doing.
I came home from work yesterday and I was in a great mood. I've been getting some OT lately, my new avon business is going well, and all in all, I was just happy. When I got home, though, my happiness was not shared. I don't know what happens or why, but for reasons I don't know if I'll ever understand, Pat sometimes is just pissed off. And yesterday was one of those days. By the time I went to bad I was feeling terrible, and you know something I love about Jesus is that he lets me cry and never makes me feel badly about it. And cry I did.
I just cried and prayed to the Lord and was honest with him about how unhappy I was right then. How hard Pat makes our lives sometimes, and for no reason! How I sometimes wish he'd just leave, that I didn't want to be married anymore. I told Him how hard it is to love Pat with a Christ-like love, when so often he makes me feel so badly. I was thinking about how Pastor Aaron taught that the purpose of a marriage is to reflect Christ, and all I could think was how this, Pat feeling ugly and me lying in bed crying, is not a reflection of Christ at all. As I cried and prayed I just began to feel okay. Jesus always lets me cry a while, and then he always brings me peace... ALWAYS. It just doesn't matter how sad my marriage, or anything else, makes me sometimes, because joy and love I receive from Jesus inspite of the imperfections of this world, is so overwhelming and powerful, that the negative just can't hold a candle to the splendor of my King!
As I was feeling that peace I had a vision of women being beaten by the men they love. Women who have to beg their husbands to be kind to them. Women in bondage. Women whose husbands don't love them. Women who are treated like slaves, whores, and pieces of trash. Women whose husbands won't let them go to church, or anywhere else for that matter. It was about that time Pat came in to me and apologized. He said he doesn't know why he acts the way he does sometimes, but that he'd had a bad day, and didn't mean to take it out on me. With the comfort of Jesus, and the apology of my husband, I was able to sleep so well last night. I know that Pat can't always help how he's feeling, and a lot of the times he can't control it either, but I choose to love him anyway, just as Jesus chooses to love me despite my sin.
There was a time when I would have said that I loved him more than anything else in the world, however to say that now would be an untruth. I love Jesus more than anything else in this world.
