Crying to the Lord

My heart cries to the Lord
My world is dark and gray
Adrift in choppy waters
I try to find my way

I call upon the Lord
To come and rescue me
I'm drowning and alone
Fighting the savage sea

Though I feel defeated
Still, I can see a light
My maker and my savior
Is a beacon in the night

Oh how You refresh me
Encourage and console me
God, your light soothes me
Holds me and renews me

The Lord extends His hand
And He calls out my name
He urges me to come
He wants to take my pain

I have to take his hand
The choice is up to me
Take shelter in my God
Or fight against the sea

Though I feel defeated
Still, I can see a light
My maker and my savior
Is a beacon in the night

~ Leslie Molloy 9/28/09

IDOLATRY

I bought a camera last week. It was used, but so, so nice - 7.1 mega pixel, nice large screen, great condition - the asking price was $59.99 but I talked the shop down to $39.99, then I spent an additional $15.00 on a memory card for it. I was so happy. I've wanted a digital camera for quite sometime, and I felt so blessed to have gotten such a nice one for such a great price.

Sometime earlier this week I lost my new camera. It's not in the house, or my car. If it's not in my sisters baby stroller, then it's for sure gone. When I realized this yesterday, I was absolutely devastated. I mean really, I was completely devastated over the loss of this thing.

I cried and was pissed off, and then I cried some more! Then at one point I just stopped and thought to myself, "I don't want to be THIS upset over a $50.00 camera." It was then that I realized that was my idol: money and things. Now, I don't have any money, and I don't have many things... but what little bit I DO have, I idolize.

I love how the Lord reveals himself as he continuously sanctifies us! It's just this on-going process that boggles my mind. As soon as I had that revelation, the decision was put inside of me to STOP crying and to NOT let this loss of a thing devastate me. I don't want to have a love of anything more than my love of Jesus, nor do I want the fear of losing material items to be greater than the holy fear I have of Him.

I thank you, Lord, for being faithful in your love, as you do a work in a me. I love you and pray that you will continue to show me how to be more like you each day.

I Am Saved

I wrote a poem some time ago, called "I Am Saved" - this is a re-work of that piece:

I spent so long searching
For answers in the world
But never really seeking
The truth within Your word

Such terrifying storms
I battled in the night
As darkness closed upon me
I was rescued by Your light

I've needed You since the beginning
Now I need You more each day
More, Jesus, by the minute
For it's You who leads the way

Jesus, You pursued me
Unclean lips and heart of stone
My heart, You then nourished
With a love I'd never known

So humblely I accept
The gift You give in victory
I praise your holy name
In awe of your majesty

8/9/09 - Leslie Molloy

Marriage

I am married to a man who I love to pieces. I am very lucky, in many ways, because he loves me just as much as I love him., and although him and I are on different paths spiritually, he does not stand in the way of my relationship with my God.

Pat and I have many issues, though, in our marriage. Not the least of which is the fact that he suffers from bi-polar disorder. I know that all couples have issues, great and small, but I also know that his mental illness creates a lot of extra stress and tension in our home. Often times, our moods, communication with one another, whether we go out or not, etc., is determined by what kind of cycle he is on that day. Most days, Pat and I have a lot of fun. We laugh a lot, play cards, talk... just normal stuff. Other days, though, things can be so ugly. Pat can be so mean and hurtful in his attitude and tone, even when nothing has been done to give him that response. Nonetheless, I have made a consious effort in the past few months to not retaliate when he is in an ugly mood. I have improved greatly, with the aid of Jesus' work in my life, in not yelling at or belittling him, even when that's what I FEEL like doing.

I came home from work yesterday and I was in a great mood. I've been getting some OT lately, my new avon business is going well, and all in all, I was just happy. When I got home, though, my happiness was not shared. I don't know what happens or why, but for reasons I don't know if I'll ever understand, Pat sometimes is just pissed off. And yesterday was one of those days. By the time I went to bad I was feeling terrible, and you know something I love about Jesus is that he lets me cry and never makes me feel badly about it. And cry I did.

I just cried and prayed to the Lord and was honest with him about how unhappy I was right then. How hard Pat makes our lives sometimes, and for no reason! How I sometimes wish he'd just leave, that I didn't want to be married anymore. I told Him how hard it is to love Pat with a Christ-like love, when so often he makes me feel so badly. I was thinking about how Pastor Aaron taught that the purpose of a marriage is to reflect Christ, and all I could think was how this, Pat feeling ugly and me lying in bed crying, is not a reflection of Christ at all. As I cried and prayed I just began to feel okay. Jesus always lets me cry a while, and then he always brings me peace... ALWAYS. It just doesn't matter how sad my marriage, or anything else, makes me sometimes, because joy and love I receive from Jesus inspite of the imperfections of this world, is so overwhelming and powerful, that the negative just can't hold a candle to the splendor of my King!

As I was feeling that peace I had a vision of women being beaten by the men they love. Women who have to beg their husbands to be kind to them. Women in bondage. Women whose husbands don't love them. Women who are treated like slaves, whores, and pieces of trash. Women whose husbands won't let them go to church, or anywhere else for that matter. It was about that time Pat came in to me and apologized. He said he doesn't know why he acts the way he does sometimes, but that he'd had a bad day, and didn't mean to take it out on me. With the comfort of Jesus, and the apology of my husband, I was able to sleep so well last night. I know that Pat can't always help how he's feeling, and a lot of the times he can't control it either, but I choose to love him anyway, just as Jesus chooses to love me despite my sin.

There was a time when I would have said that I loved him more than anything else in the world, however to say that now would be an untruth. I love Jesus more than anything else in this world.

It's amazing the work God is doing inside of me. As of late, I've become much more aware of how judgemental I am toward others, how prideful I am, and how there are people in my life that I really feel are not my equal (whether it's due to their attitude, intellegence, or otherwise).
As Jesus is working inside of me in this area, we studyed Philippians this weekend and it was incredible how once again it is proven to me that the Word of God is alive! Reading Philippians 2:3-11 really hit me:
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature[a] God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing... "

As I am a new creation in Christ our Lord, so too can those others become a new creation in Him. As I look at them as unworthy in whatever respect, I am reminded of how unworthy I, myself, am of the grace that's been given to me.

I LOVE how the Lord is doing this to me. This process is absolutely fascinating... the Holy Spirit communicates so explicitly, I never knew this type of supernatural communication was possible. See, it's just another proof-positive of who God is, because these changes that keep on happening within me, would have NEVER been my idea... nor could I have made such drastic corrections in my life on my own.

I'm in absolute awe about what's happening in my life. I'm so in love with Jesus - it's a feeling that I cannot explain. I'm just so excited to share these events and I'm so excited to see the progression of my journey... it's amazing!!

The Delight of the Lord

Last week at my Connection group, I was talking to one of my group leaders, Heather, about a struggle I was having. Although I know that God is my father, my comforter, my savior, my friend... and I know that he loves me - I just couldn't grasp the idea that he would delight in me. I can see why he would delight in many of those around me... but me? That just didn't seem possible.

Heather shared with me a thought: At church there is a couple who just had a beautiful baby girl, Lilly. Heather asked me, "How much does Lilly have to do for her father to delight in her?" I smiled and replied, "At this stage in her life, Lilly has to do nothing at all. Her mere existance is a delight to him." (Hmmmm... that was an interesting point) She then shared Zephaniah 3:17 with me.

All last week I was really meditating on this scripture and thinking about what she said to me.

Then Sunday at church, during worship, I had an amazing experience. While singing and praising Jesus, I was really connecting to Him. My heart was filled with love overflowing as I sang along to TRUE LOVE and then to WITH EVERYTHING.

My eyes were closed (as they often are) and when I opened them, I was in the throne room of our Lord! I could see Jesus sitting before me, and as I sang to him, my arms raised, he looked into my eyes and smiled so lovingly. I closed my eyes again, thinking it couldn't be real, just my vivid imagination... but when I opened my eyes again, He appeared to me even clearer, and his smile was so radiant!

He wasn't just giving me a simple smile to say hello, he was absolutely beaming at me, and it was so clear at that moment how he delighted in my love for Him. How he enjoyed my worship of Him. He couldn't care less that I can't sing pretty like so many others - His love for me surpasses all of my human and worldly imperfections! And at that moment, I got it. I didn't just understand his delight, and although I felt it, it was even more than just a feeling... Jesus blessed me with the supernatural experience of SEEING His delight in me.

I know this was real. I was given a priceless gift: a glimpse into the throne room of our Lord. I glimpse at the real and tangible love He has for us all. Thank you Jesus for that amazing love and that amazing moment we shared. Oh how I love you.

Studying Ephesians

One of the biggest impacts our study in Ephesians had on me, this past Monday, was that final scripture we read that said, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

I have a co-worker at the airport, who is my friend and also my christian brother - him and I are both growing in the Lord, and as we do our friendship has grown as well. It's been really cool. Last week he lovingly brought to my attention that I should really try to not be so rude to my sister (who works in a postion under the both of us), when she comes into my office for whatever reason. At the time I just totally shrugged off what he said, and even argued as to why I am the way that I am. He replied, "oh yes, I forgot, Leslie is the Queen of Everything!"

(That kind of stung, because although that was my nick name once upon a time - since I've given my life to Jesus, it's become quite obvious that I am the queen of nothing!)

Well, that scripture really hit home with me in regards to the fact that I was not being submissive to my christian brother. Not only was I not being submissive, but I wasn't even regarding what he said to me as worthy of consideration. This is not acceptable! When I got home I immediately called him to apologize. I shared the scripture with him, and you know what was so funny? He doesn't even remember me being rude, or him advising me to try harder to not be so. And his remembering or not remembering, doesn't even matter - I want to be accountable, submissive, and pleasing in the eyes of my savior.

HOLY SPIRIT COMMUNICATION

The most amazing thing happened to me yesterday: The Holy Spirit spoke me, out loud, in english!

I was driving home from work, and as I got near my apartment building, I made my left hand turn and passed a lady who was walking on the side walk. She was rather elderly, hunched over, and was carrying bags and a cup. I could see that it took great effort for her to walk and cary these items, but I drove past her and continued around the corner toward my apartment.

Right after I made my turn, a voice told me, "turn around and pick her up." I have to admit, at first I said, "no." I didn't want to pick her up; she was dirty and messy, and I didn't want this to be MY responsibility. But again, the Holy Spirit said to me (more sternly, this time) "TURN AROUND AND PICK HER UP!"

Even though I didn't want to perform this act of kindness, I turned my car around and asked the lady if she wanted a ride. She was so grateful. She got into my car and I saw that yes, in fact, she was a little unkempt. She had milk shake dripping off the side of her face and she had somewhat of an odor as well. All I could think about was how Jesus wouldn't care about her odor, so I didn't care either.

I was friendly with her, and didn't end up needing to take her all that far - although it was too far for her to have had to walk in the state she was in. I dropped her off at the home she directed me to and she was so thankful. She said, "God bless you." and all I could say was, "No, God bless YOU."

She got out of the car and I immediately started to weep. I talked with God and told him that I got it. I really and truly understood, and I was so glad that I was obediant in helping that lady. I know that she appreciated my help, but I know that I got so much more out of helping her than I would have ever imagined.

Thank you, Jesus!

SAVIOR

The penalty was paid - the day You died for me
You endured punishment - though never were to blame
Yes, bruised and beaten - You suffered willingly
Poured out your blood - that I could call it victory

The sins of all time - You bore upon the cross
Now Your healing blood calls out - to all who are lost
And although the afflictions of the world - may seem real
It is written - that by Your stripes we've already been healed

The creator of life and inventor of love
Provided salvation, by the blood of His son
And though it is true, on the cross He did die
Three days later, Christ Jesus, surely did rise

Your death, Lord, a horror - but resurrection sublime
And because of that love - I'm now fully alive

ENCOUNTER

This weekend I had an encounter with my Lord and Savior. It was an amazing and completely singular experience. I was, again, shown another reason as to why I am so, so grateful to have been led to this church. I thought, I have to write about this experience... but as I'm here at the computer I don't even know how to explain what I just went through. All I can say is that I feel like EVERYONE I know should go on an Encounter.

In between sessions, this weekend, I found myself journaling. Just writing my thoughts and feelings as things progressed. Due to the amount of them and their lengths, I will not share them all, but I want to share some of the things I "jotted" down during my encounter, maybe it will give you an idea of the revelation and freedom I experienced:

"... the realness of this moment is filled with holiness and love."

"It's no wonder my marriage has not been blessed - I have not shown it honor or sanctity."

"I am a shell of who I was. Who am I? I have no identity, other than that of Christ's child. He is my father and I his daughter. All other parts of who I am are a distortion of that truth."

"... I pray you will direct me, love me, and continue breaking me and making me into your new creation."

"I didn't know what to expect for this weekend. I was expecting to have an encounter with my Heavenly Father - but I did not expect this. I had no idea the unforgiveness I had in my heart. I had no idea the shame I had buried deep inside, from things I've said and done in the past. I thought I had let go of these things - I thought I had forgiven my trespasses as well as myself a long time ago... but come to find out I had only locked them away and forgot where I'd put them. This encounter has unlocked that chest of ugliness and sin, and in doing so I've been ripped apart. It has become quite apparent that I am completely inadequate in being in charge of my own life. I thank you, Jesus, for breaking me apart today, that I can genuinely see that without you I cam truly a cursed nothing with the inability to care for myself. Thank you for your degradation on the cross. For your selfless love. what can I do but praise you? Thank you? I dedicate my life to you and your will - for without you I'd be dead!"

Encounter

I'm being broken in pieces
And ripped to shreds
My identity is gone
The old me is dead
"You're making me new"
I thought as I cried
You're making me new
I can feel it inside

It is through Jesus and his Holy Spirit that I have been changed forever... praise His holy name!

The example of Saul...

At work I have a dear, dear friend named Michael. I just love him!

Today, him and I were talking about him needing to stop chewing tobacco (it's SO gross... I mean I was a smoker for a LONG time, but this snuff stuff is super gross), and he informed me that he can't quit chewing it because he can't change. (hmmm... really?)

Using myself as an example, I told him, "Look at me. I said I couldn't change and I didn't think I'd ever quit smoking, but I have... how do you think I did that?" His reply to me was, "You're strong. You were determined. It was your will - you wanted to quit so you did."

I had to laugh at that, because I am SO weak, and although I said I was determined, deep down I didn't want to quit at all!! I told Michael he was quite incorrect and that I had no part in it, other than the prayers I'd pray, asking God to put it on my heart to WANT to quit smoking ('cause he knew too, that I didn't really want to) and that he'd take this addiction away from me. And guess what? He did!!

So Michael says, "Oh, you're gonna play that card now, huh?" [LOL] "Yes," I said, "I'm going to play that card." So the conversation continues and he tells me that his girlfriend tells him that he's got the devil in him and she wants him to change too, but Michael says he doesn't believe in the devil or God, or any of that stuff. I replied that he's thinking of a little red devil in cartoon form - which is not real - but there IS a devil and he's very, very real. Michael doesn't think so... but dropped that subject fairly quickly.

Again he tells me about his inability to change in any way for the good. I told him that I disagreed that change was impossible. I said to him, "Let me tell you a little story about a man named Saul..." I went on to tell him about the bad things Saul did to Christ's followers and the type of man he was. I said to Michael that, "I'm sure if it had been left up to Saul he would have thought he couldn't change either... but lucky for him, and many others Jesus intervened and changed Saul's entire life!" I told him that while on the road, Saul saw a blinding light and Jesus actually spoke to him directly!! We were at work, so I couldn't go into the story much deeper, but I let him know that because of Jesus Saul DID change and ended up living a life completely dedicated to Him!! Wow!

Michael listened to me tell this story (I appreciated his sincere concentration, by the way), but still says he can't change. I just smiled at him and told him that was okay if he didn't think so, I said that I have an amazing "prayer team" and I'd make sure that I asked them to pray for him that he may be set free.

(then he wanted to read me my horoscope LOL go figure)

I post this blog, not to give myself glory - but to glorify my Father!! This was the first time that He used me to speak to someone, using actual scriptural reference, with complete CONFIDENCE that I knew what I was talking about!! This excites me SO MUCH!!

Praise Jesus, my awesome King, Savior, and TEACHER!!!

Thank you, Lord, for giving me the right words and the right example for Michael. I pray that those on my "prayer team" will keep praying for Michael, that he may experience, first handed, the glory that is God and see that through Him, he too can change in ways he didn't think possible.

Amen.